i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
