I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
