Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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