I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
