I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
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I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
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Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.