Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
