At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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