my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the day after is always just damage control
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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