I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
