So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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