dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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