you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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