There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
