No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
