I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
