dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
