my vag is so smooth its legendary
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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