I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
