Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
