pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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