Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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