Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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