Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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