My hand turned me down
the condom got lost in my hair
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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