He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Rumble strips road head = magical
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
