Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
