We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
