I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
