Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
