TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm bleeding and have questions
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
