I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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