she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
ugly people sure do ruin things
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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