i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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