he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
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Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
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So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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