You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
