Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
