can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
