why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
