I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My vagina is officially offended.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
