Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
