My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
