One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
