My sheets look like a crime scene.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
