When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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