Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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