His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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