Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
