Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
