I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you