Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.