and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
