Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
