I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Randomize
