remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
