Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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