I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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