I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
